Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
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She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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