Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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