I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
