Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
so much tequila, so little girl.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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