I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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