the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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