I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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