Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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