Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
