someone threw a dead crab at me
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Can you bring me the toilet please
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
