im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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