my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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