Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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