I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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