He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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