HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
