Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
