I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
