I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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