First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
