I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just invented taco cereal.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Randomize
