I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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