Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Someone came in the potted fern
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
