I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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