On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
