that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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