the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
