im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
