Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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