I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
