and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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