my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
