i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
