Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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