I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
