First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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