so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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