wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
