You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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