When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
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I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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