There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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