Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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