Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
