I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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