I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
how does that bad decision feel?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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