I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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