Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
