i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
