I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
