i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
