Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
