At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
