So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
