i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
