Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
