Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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