the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
