WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
