New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
