You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have fence marks all over my body
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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