somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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