Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
